Tuesday, November 1, 2016

The Women of Online Dating


For any men that may be reading this Claire and I have decided to start with a master category that may or may not apply to all the types below. So here you have it, guys. You’ve already unconsciously realized it, now we’ll give you a pro’s eye view. The Female Fuckability Scale, courtesy of “Belle de Jour.” You are welcome.

The Princess: The hottest girl in the field. Frequently found in groups of other women that are all pretty; but, like the solitaire, surrounded by accent stones, she is the fairest of them all. You are going to have to put effort into wooing her and beating out all the other suitors. The time to fuck may vary, depending on her age and sexual appetite. She knows she is a hot commodity and doesn’t hide it. She only goes for really good looking and successful men. By definition, most men feel rejected by her. Can be high maintenance and demanding.

Cute Girl Next Door: Jennifer Aniston: Basic Bitch, waits for 3 dates to fuck.

Scary Bitch: This is NOT slut shaming, but a compliment. This woman totally owns her sexuality. She doesn’t care what people think one way or another. She isn’t a nympho and doesn’t fuck for validation, but if she likes you, she will fuck you on the first date.

Keeping the Crazy Under Control

And the question we know you all ponder (or conclusion you have already reached): "Are all females of the species, stark raving mad?" As women, Claire and I cannot answer this question without prejudice. We will limit ourselves to the simple observation that crazy people are rarely aware of themselves as such. Like a broken clock that tells the correct time twice a day, the truly insane may occasionally be graced with moments of self-awareness and lucidity. Marilyn Monroe was sexy, tragic (and many would argue smart) enough to get away with the following quote. In other words, she was crazy, but you wanted to fuck her anyway.

“I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.”

Such cannot be said of all the crazy women who use Monroe’s words as an excuse for unbridled drama. Your other clue to pre-detecting insanity, besides their predilection for this quote, is the online dater who goes out of their way to reassure you that s/he is sane and drama-free. Per Hamlet: “Methinks she doth protest too much.”

Claire and I wonder if the reality is not just that “women are crazy,” but that that we are all crazy and men and women just have different ways of expressing their craziness; whether it’s the more “feminine” impulses (that men often repress, yet unconsciously express), such as the desire for love and connection or the more “male” instincts (often repressed in women) of Eros and Thanatos. Per Freud’s analysis in “Beyond the Pleasure Principle,” Eros is the life instinct, which includes sexual instincts, the drive to live, and basic instinctual impulses such as thirst and hunger. Its counterpart is Thanatos, which is the death instinct. 


The English Major: Intellectual who seems overly impressed with her vocabulary, ability to turn a phrase, and hyper-literate references. Her profile and communication are liberally sprinkled with obscure quotes and on a good day, iambic pentameter. One subtype may be obsessed with Jane Austen, another type may fancy herself a modern day Anaïs Nin.

Quirky Girl: Likes to spout random, disparate, and weird facts about herself in an effort to seem more different than she really is. "I am a high scorer at Angry Birds and a graphic designer in my spare time. I like to eat cereal for dinner, but I also make a mean ceviche. Maybe if you’re nice, I’ll show you my vintage 1977 Han Solo action figure."

Geek Goddess: Two sub-categories here. One is the genuine nerd, Felicia Day type, who plays MMO’s doesn’t just read manga, has a favorite sub-category of manga. If you love to go cons and are “on the spectrum,” you are the guy for her. Second type is the pseudo-nerd, aka the hot chick who likes to rock the geeky look in order to stand out. May wear fake glasses. Likes to dress up in cosplay. The hot cosplay chick is frequently seen dressed up as Wonder Woman and aspires to be Olivia Munn.

Man Hater: Self-evident. One man betrayed or hurt her: therefore all men are evil.

99%: Women who are pissed off at dudes writing them sexually explicit or otherwise obnoxious messages right out the gate. Is it any wonder given the frequency of these messages? Makes a point of writing that she’s not into hook-ups. She’s got PTSD from all the unsolicited dick pics she’s received.

Debbie Downer: The emotional woman who seems to wear her mental issues on her sleeve. Frequently self-describes as awkward, depressed, "a little bit crazy," or otherwise anxious. We all are a little wounded, but this woman puts really personal details out there too early in the game. “I’m socially awkward and have a lot of issues, but if you just give me some time, I have a lot to offer. My therapist says I need to take more risks, so here I am.”

Stage 5 Clinger: Controlling and overly emotional. Sends too many text messages and needs constant reassurance. After date number three, she’s already planning your future and passive-aggressively guilt tripping you if you want to hang out with your friends. She stalks you on social media and sees everything you post in real-time.

Beach Girl: Lives to go to the beach. “My dream is a glass of wine on the beach or we can hang out at home and watch Netflix.”

Prettier Friend Girl: Always puts a picture of herself with her prettier friend or friends. You need to do comparative analysis of the pictures, mentally removing the prettier ones from all the pictures and keeping the lowest common denominator. Men have told us about this profile. As women, Claire and I really don’t understand what the end-game is here. Is she hoping the guy will look at the picture of her prettier friend and then “fall in love” with her profile description? Or is this some sort of “pretty by association” ploy? We honestly don’t know.

One Picture Girl: Expects to be liked on one picture. This one also comes from male friends. They complain that about “one picture girl,” because they feel like it takes them three or four pictures to make up their mind.

“Don’t Text on Me:” You reach out to her via text asking a simple question, such as “what do you like?” Most the time she doesn’t answer and or she responds to your question with: “Read my profile.”

“Just Says No:” No to married men, no to cheaters, no to players, no to couples looking for threesomes, no to hookups, no to smokers (tobacco or 420), no to dick pics. No to weirdos. Your picture and profile BETTER be accurate and up to date.

Basic Bitch: Jennifer Aniston is her hero, “Friends”-watching, pumpkin spice latte drinking, Pinterest-pinning fanatic.

The Tough Girl: Wears leather jackets, rides motorcycles, smokes, and you better not piss her off, Mister.

Indie Hipster Girl: Worships the indie music news site Pitchfork Media and music highly rated by its critics. Only likes music that “mainstream” people have never heard of. Wears vintage clothing and loves craft beers. Has become an expert at creating artsy Instagram selfies. May sport over-sized, black rimmed glasses which look cute on her, but would not flatter a less attractive woman.

Earthy Hippie: She’s 420 friendly, baby!

Goth Girl: Every day is Halloween.

Granola Girl: Likes yoga, paddle boards, organic restaurants, and the outdoors.

The Guys’ Girl: Likes feeling like she is different than other women...that she's one of the guys. May have several pictures of herself with male friends getting brewskies and/or supporting the home team.

The Party Girl: Reference Iliza Shlesinger. Her inner Party Goblin just awaits the perfect amount of alcohol to reveal itself, at which point, she will start table dancing, making out with random boys (maybe a few women if she’s a barsexual) asking everybody at the club for drugs, flashing everybody, suddenly thinks she’s a back-up dancer for J. Lo, vomits and misses the bathroom, drunk-texts ex-boyfriend, and finally orders massive amounts of take-out and falls asleep before it arrives. She will remember none of this the next day. Party Goblin often misplaces her cell phone and has lost about ten jackets.

The Husband Hunter: Primary objective: The Wedding. She already has the dress, the venue, the music, and the guest list picked out. She probably has a several Pinterest boards dedicated to cute wedding ideas.  You don't matter so much, as long you meet her criteria for husband material. She has controlling tendencies in common with the Stage 5 Clinger. Your own wedding is just the first of many events for which your presence will be required as an escort.

The Ticking Clock: Her biological clock is ticking. She mostly just wants your sperm. She may or may not expect financial support for the progeny, but hopes you have good genes. May ask you about your family medical history or your parents’ height. Unless you, also are hoping for paternity, this relationship will be over soon after you have done your duty and knocked her up.

Divorced with Kids: Probably better if you are divorced with kids too, otherwise, you just won’t be compatible as far schedules and expectations. 

Instagram Girl: Obsessed with selfies and collecting "likes.” She lives her entire life to document it on Instagram. If you are with this chick, you need to be comfortable with being her “Reality” TV sidekick. Excessively uses hash-tags and filters. Measures her self-worth in terms of the amount of followers she has, or fawning comments she gets. No surprise many of these women are narcissists, worse yet, the insecure kind. She is the queen of the “Stealthie,” a frequently used tactic in the social medial girl's repertoire, whereby she fishes for compliments. Example: posts glamour shot of herself taking her dog to the groomers. Pretends the focus is on what is happening in the picture, but it’s really about how hot she looks.

Indecisive Girl: She can’t pick a restaurant; there are just too many options. When you go out, she may refuse to commit to a plan, so you end up with no plans. She doesn’t really have a type. You don’t know if she likes or hates you. She takes a long time to get back to you. She may be stringing you along, wondering if the grass is greener with somebody else. This issue does not just impact her personal relationships, but every aspect of her life. Part of her problem is that she over-analyzes everything, thereby losing the ability to make the most simple decisions.

Dating for Dinner Girl: Going on a date to get a free dinner. May be disappointed when she runs into the more egalitarian “Dutch” approach to paying for the meal.

Still in Love With My Ex: “I just got out of a relationship. I’ve never been on this site before. Not really ready, but just dipping my toes to see what’s out there.” By the first date, she will introduce you to the ghost with whom you will be futilely competing.

Travel Woman: Obsessed with showing pictures of her travel adventures; always has a picture of Machu Picchu. Bonus: a picture of her doing yoga on a mountain.

The Perfectionist: Also known as Miss Checklist. You have to be this tall and fit to take a ride on her roller coaster. You must be good looking, but not vain; desired by other women, but loyal and faithful to her; make this much money; be funny; be strong, yet emotionally available; “be a good conversationalist, but also know when to listen;” intelligent, yet humble; successful, but not too busy to devote lots of time to her; creative, yet level-headed; and like the exact same things she likes. Mental stability and stamina come in handy when dealing with this type, often comprising younger women who don't know better.

Love Junkie: Falls in love with you after the third date. She may be looking to live out her favorite rom-com, as opposed to being realistic about relationships. If you pay attention to her and have sex with her, she will bond quickly. The good news is that this type of woman can often mature with experience, in which case she will transition from being guided by her own neediness, aka “being in love with how the other person (in reality, just a projection of her own desires) makes her feel,” to appreciating the other person, for who they actually are. The Recovering Love Junkie learns to see people for both their virtues and their flaws, and “take the best and leave the rest,” including herself and her own baggage.

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