Friday, November 4, 2016

"Mansplaining" Sex to a Swinger Chick

Her Fatal Flaw
As a woman who has worked in some traditionally male-dominated fields, I have experienced my fair share of “mansplaining” aka “the practice of explaining something to another person, in a condescending or patronizing manner, often a man to a woman, and in situations where the listener may have as much or more experience than the person doing the explaining.”


So how does mansplaining play out, when it comes to sex? In one memorable line, from an otherwise bad movie, “Pretty Woman,” Richard Gere’s character makes that most cosmopolitan of generalizations: “Nothing can shock me” to a street-variety call girl (who really is just a kind-hearted country girl at heart). She replies: “That’s interesting because most people shock the Hell out of me.” 

Shock is not the right word, but most of us, regardless of how much experience we have, still have the capacity for surprise. When the topic is sex, we can, as curious Swingers, always learn something new, or at the least compare notes on the kind of kinky fuckery we like. So, if I have one “fatal” flaw it’s curiosity. I am every archetype of female culpability in that regard. Before the Serpent will have even finished his first sentence, I’ll have plucked the Apple of the Knowledge of Good and Evil and bitten into it, its juices dripping from my chin and fingers. When Bluebeard gives me the key to every room in the Castle and tells me there is only one room I must not enter, I will not be able to rest until I have entered that One Room.

The Perplexing Encounter

So, it was curiosity that motivated me to meet a person who had a very specific Checklist of every quality he found desirable in women, made it clear to me that I was not on it, yet with whom I knew I had common interests, and who told me that perhaps we could help each other out in our respective searches. At the most, I thought we’d have a fun discussion of sex or other topics. At worst, I expected I might get the the backhanded compliment of “You’re not really my type, but I have a friend…” Afterwards, a male friend of mine asked me how that visit went.

I answered: “I’m very perplexed. I think I just sat down for two hours with a man who knew I was a swinger, who explained to me that all male behavior is motivated by the desire to find a repository for “ejaculate” every 48 hours. Imagine my shock upon learning that most men don’t care about my thoughts and personality, they just want to have sex with me.”

My friend laughed. "More like every 4 hours, but go on. How did you end it?”

I answered: “I’m still not sure if he made a veiled offer at the end or not, but it if he did, it was something like he is looking for a woman “who is capable of the self-restraint of not talking and not texting, whom he might be willing to see on a once-weekly basis to “teach” her about sex, but only on one condition.”

“What was that?”

“That she doesn’t fall in love with him.”  

My male friend was sympathetic. “Well, there’s a very simple answer to that.”

“Hmmh? What’s that?”

“Ask for a dick pic. Respond accordingly.”



 
Her Miseducation and Reprobate Choices

So the question that Vanillas must be wondering is: “Has anything I have seen or done as a Swinger shocked me?” The irony is no. I have had great sex, I have had good sex and I have had average sex. Sex is kind of like pizza. It’s still pretty ok, even when it’s just average. I don’t have sex because I have low self-esteem. I don’t have sex because this is how I get validation. I don’t have sex because I don’t know how to say “No.” I actually have pretty high self-esteem, I have plenty of other things I do in my life that provide me with validation and I’m pretty good at saying “No.”

I am a swinger because I enjoy sex. That doesn’t mean I have sex all the time at Swinger parties or Clubs, or that I am attracted to all people. Many veteran swingers have sex with strangers far less frequently and with more choosiness than a lot of outsiders would imagine. For me, being a Swinger, simply means that I enjoy the freedom of interacting in an environment where people have fun, are open-minded and if there is chemistry and mutual attraction, it is on and the only game-playing is the enjoyable kind.

I think many Swingers are like me. They lived the first halves of their lives as very respectable people. Then they reach a point, where they achieved the things that respectable middle-aged people are supposed to achieve. They see other people documenting their lives on Instagram, convincing themselves that the next promotion, car, house remodel, vacation or the achievements of their progeny are going to make them happy. And they ask themselves: “Is this all there is?” We don’t have remorse. We have regrets. We wonder what if? What if I had had the confidence I have now, when I was younger. What if I had reached out to that boy or that man? What did I miss out on? And some of us reach a point, where we decide to step outside the "little boxes" and walk off the (proverbial) Reservation, and in that walk we achieve a kind of freedom. "In the vanilla world, men propose and women dispose. As a swinger, I’ve learned to propose as well as dispose. I’ve been accepted and I’ve been turned down, and I’ve learned not to take it personally. What another person desires has more to do with that other person, than it has to do with me.  It doesn’t matter if you look like Gwynneth Paltrow if their desiderata is Sofia Vergara...or Wesley Snipes, or they simply have had had one too many cocktails or have to run home to the babysitter that night.

The Money

"In the financial world, whether you are  a man or woman, it doesn’t matter if you are an idiot who couldn’t find their way out of a brown paper bag when it comes to EBITDA, people are very nice to you when you are “The Money” -- aka the person who can write the check. They may "think" you are an idiot; however, their self-interest and desire to get their hands on “The Money,” inspires them to treat you (at least outwardly) with a lot of respect. In the world of Swinging, at least the one I interact with, women are "The Money.” This has to do with the simple fact of supply and demand. There are more more men wanting to interact with attractive, sex positive women who can process the idea of NSA (no strings attached) sex, than the other way around.

The kinds of acts of sexual harassment and aggression that politicians and tycoons seem to regularly get away with don’t happen in the swinger world, where I interact. When men first enter this world, some might think they get to run around like a teenage boy playing Grand Theft Auto, but they are quickly brought in line, and made to understand that if they want to continue to frequent this world, they have to first make sure that both the woman (and her partner as well) are ok with his advances. I have had far more rude things (the kind that were so exotic, I had to look them up on the Internet) said to me or in my (virtual) presence in the male-dominated business world than I have ever heard of or witnessed as a swinger. I have heard of far more disturbing abuses of women from respectable housewives married to extremely successful, prominent men, at the top of their professional field, than I have ever heard of or witnessed in Swinging. 
Delvaux The Great Sirens (1947)
When you have a cohesive swinger community, it tends to be self-policing. It’s in nobody’s interest for the women to become uncomfortable and leave. The main tempest in a teapot, I witnessed in an online Swinger forum had to do with anonymous reporting of “offensive” pictures. The debate centered on whether this was the work of online “policing bots” or a traitor in the community. Swingers like their nudie pics. Those pictures don’t necessarily turn me on, but they don’t offend me either. I recognize that people enjoy posting these pictures and looking at them, and I am glad they have an appropriate place to do this. I haven’t seen anything that involves illegal or degrading acts. When I do go to that forum, I tend to glance over the nudie pics, while appreciating the more original montages or the sex-humor memes.

Because Swinging is a sub-culture that is misunderstood and very harshly judged by the mainstream, Swingers are very protective of their privacy. You can’t come into this world as a gawker, you have to put “skin in the game.” The Community solved the problem of deleting the fake profiles by a simple process of validation of members by members. I guess this would be like a virtual AA meeting, but for deviants. “Hello, my names is Claire. And I am a slut.” And in that world, people who come from very different backgrounds and have very different beliefs on every subject, on which it is possible to disagree, have found a common ground to validate each other.

2 comments:

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