Tuesday, October 18, 2016

The Men of Online Dating

Claire and I browsed through online dating apps like OK Cupid, Tinder, Bumble, and Feeld, in hopes of discovering my (Audrey)’s mid-30’s satirical folk singer object of desire, Father John Misty, and Fitzwilliam D’Arcy, from “Pride and Prejudice” for Claire. Claire muses: “Couldn’t I find somebody who could write and express himself like Salman Rushdie...but looked a bit more like Imran Khan?” In the immortal words of the Rolling Stones: “You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need.” We will leave it up to you, dear readers, to make your decision on that one. The good news is that there are a lot of men on Tinder and other online dating apps and platforms. 

The bad news is that there are a lot of men on these sites and separating the wheat from the chaff can be an extremely draining activity -- so draining in fact, that Audrey has often left the computer to actually listen to Father John Misty and Claire has put it down to re-read “Pride and Prejudice” or her favorite Salman Rushdie novels. If there is a Silicon Valley start-up with a magical algorithm that sorts through the Wild West that is the online dating world, Claire and I have not found it. What we did find were some some common trends in profiles. For this week’s post, we look at common stereotypes in male dating profiles. Next week, we’ll look at the women.

Home Team Guy
Wears a baseball cap or football jersey. Multiple pictures of him at sporting events, supporting the home team, possibly with shirtless photo of him and his buddies with paint on their chests. You will always take a backseat to The Team. Comedian Whitney Cummings points out that these men act like they are part of the team. “They wear the jersey and say ‘we just didn’t score enough points’,” she said. “That’s like watching "Grey’s Anatomy" in scrubs and saying ‘we just couldn’t save their life.’”

Rico Suave
Looks like the Dos Equis Guy. Glamour shot meant to emphasize his material wealth or comfortable situation in life.

I Bring Baggage
Picture is normal enough, but text pre-emptively warns you of all the issues he has had dating or in past relationships - dishonesty, being hurt, etc. Says things like “I won’t be a living ATM machine, trophy boyfriend, or sex toy, any more!”

Bar Fly
Picture of himself with cocktail, beer, or glass of wine. Mr. Social.

Divorced Dad
Picture of him with his kids.

Gym Rat
Lifting and steroids guy. Big muscles. Multiple gym selfies.

Adventure Sport Guy
Picture of him climbing Mount Kilimanjaro, skiing the slopes, or hiking. Requisite shot of him at the top of a mountain wearing a beanie. Leads you to wonder what he and his personality are like on the majority days of a year when he isn’t participating in his adventure sport.

Beach/Boat or Exotic Travel Guy
Self-explanatory. Also, leads you to wonder what he and his personality are like on the majority days of a year when he isn’t on the beach, on a boat, or traveling to some exotic locale.

Mr. High Standards
Lists everything he is looking for in Ms. Perfect, “not a duck-face, non-flake,” intelligent, athletic, preferably can financially support him. So my question to Mr. High Standards is: “That if I am a woman and I possess all the qualities you seek, exactly what about yourself would make me interested in you?”

Numbers Guy
Usually good-to-average-looking, often frat-boy type. His profile or first text communication with the woman is blatantly sexual. Example: “Hey Come Fuck Me.” You have to wonder how many women he sends this to for it to work, if it ever does? Swinger chicks tend to look at Numbers Guy with some humor and are tempted to respond: “Absolutely. Let’s put Journey’s ‘Anyway You Want It’ on the playlist, and I’ll be right over, with my strap-on and flogger. Do you take it large or extra-large?”

Christian Grey “50 Shades” Wannabes
“I’m a financial executive looking for a ‘50 Shades of Grey’ relationship, as in open minded. If interested and serious, happy to share face pics.” These types rarely have face pictures posted which immediately raises suspicion and conjures up images of the troll guarding the dungeon as opposed to the sexy dungeon master..

Metrosexual Boy
This is your classic “clubber” guy who uses way too much hair gel, possibly has a spray tan, and wears tight slut-boy shirts to show off his guns. He typically spends more money on clothes and more time getting ready than his female counterpart. A spin on this type is “Euro metrosexual boy” who has ambiguous European origin and writes you in slightly broken English that would be sexy, were he not so blatantly vain.

Hipster Dude
Has a Ph.D. in craft beer and indie rock. Sub variants include obsessions with yoga and sushi. In the alternative, may be an organic food guru -- possibly vegetarian or vegan. His environmentally conscious brethren most likely ride a bicycle or drive a Prius. Politically, he’s down with Bernie. Probably sports a man bun or shaggy Jesus hair and skinny jeans. Most definitely has grown a beard so sexy it will make you weak in the knees. May brag about not owning a TV.

Golf Dad
Suburban guy mid-40’s or older, aging version of frat boy, who has not updated his wardrobe or music selection in 30 years. He is a big Huey Lewis and the News fan - polo shirt, baggy khakis-wearing, often sports a dad bod. Expects you to be very impressed with his subdivision and white collar profession. Makes a point of telling you about the state-of-the-art home improvement he has installed in his house. Main topic of conversation is himself, or anything related to his extended identity. Tells terrible jokes and thinks they are hilarious. In case you did not realize he was telling a joke, follows up with an LOL or chuckles at self. Occasionally mentions self in third-person.

Negging Guy
Uses the awful “pick up artist” strategy called “negging” in which a guy uses a deliberately backhanded compliment or otherwise insulting remark in order to undermine a woman’s confidence” Example: sends a message simply writing “meh.” He wants her to respond, “What do you mean?” Power dynamic to undermine the woman and make her more vulnerable to his advances. He hopes she will turn out to be an easy lay.

Very prevalent on SDC. While your authors hope to be the sluts of their respective nursing homes, we aren’t there yet. Geriatric sex and the blue plate special all you can eat buffet on Thursday nights at swinger clubs, aren’t our thing.

Jail Bait
Any guy under 25, for women 30 and up. Any woman under 18, for men 30 and up.

Generic “Bro”
Wants to get laid, so he puts out the least offensive, but also least descriptive profile you could ever imagine. Generic bro doesn't do or say anything that would raise a red flag. He avoids taking on any personality or interests, or saying anything of substance. He uses bland phrases in his profile like, "I like to have fun" and "I enjoy movies," “My friends think I have a great sense of humor.” He often lists "family" as one of the “six things he can't live without.” Generic bro sends you inoffensive messages such as, "You look fun and interesting. I would like to get to know you." Generic bro is the male equivalent of the "basic bitch." He takes the path of least effort, either because he's lazy, efficient, or, in reality, has no personality.

The Shirtless Wonder
Is more transparent about his intentions to get laid. He has littered his profile with pictures of himself topless, frequently in the form of selfies taken in the bathroom mirror. Occasionally, shirtless guy will take it up a notch and let the camera travel further south to the bulge in his briefs. Typically shirtless guy is pretty attractive, although you can only judge his body as he usually sees fit to cut off his face in all pictures. Leaving a gal to ask that all important question, "Am I attracted to that torso?" If he messages you, he will invariably ask if you're on KIK. This seems to be the go-to app for dick pics.

The Shapeshifter
This guy is whoever you need him to be. He will find the most accessible fact about you in your profile and write you about it in a message. At his least creative, he'll pick something like your love of sushi and ramble on about his "experiences" with the local sushi places he just looked up on Yelp! If he's a little more creative, he'll google your favorite author and copy and paste some quotes that he "likes" from said author. In my (Audrey's) case, his go-to is my interest in dream analysis, because, you know, everybody dreams.

Romantic Geek
His idea of romance is stealing words and phrases from "Game of Thrones" and incorporating them into proclamations of courtly love, copied and pasted just for you. This Dungeons and Dragons troubadour and Renaissance Fair regular would just love to gaze at you from behind his wire-rimmed glasses over a glass of your favorite wine. If he really puts on the charm, he’ll refer to as “Milady.”

Mr. Nice Guy
At first, he seems like such a good guy. He's got a picture of himself in a trendy hat, most likely a fedora and has a dog that would melt even the coldest heart. He even seems genuinely interested in getting to know you. That is....until...you take "too long" to write back. At which point "Mr. Nice Guy" launches a verbal attack in which he curses both you and the world for treating nice guys so callously. "Nice guys never win!" he proclaims. You find his tirade in your inbox after having taken a break in the conversation to use the bathroom. If you call him out on it, "Mr. Nice Guy" will then try to apologize for the "misunderstanding."

The Flasher
His sexually explicit opening line is the verbal equivalent of flashing you his naked body under a trenchcoat. Example: “Do you like to get rimmed?” Side Note: Rimmer guy’s profile picture showed him gazing out a window into the distance, because even rimmer guy’s got a romantic side.

The Predator 
Shows himself with large bow-hunting weapon or assault rifle and quote from “The Hunger Games”: “And may the odds be ever in your favor.” He is telling the woman that he is some big prize, that SHE must hunt down, and should she be lucky enough to get him. Yeah, lucky enough to wind up in that secret basement under his house where he tortures his victims.
Blurred Out Face Guy
Most likely cheating on his wife or girlfriend. Expects you to be interested when trying to strike up a conversation before he’s even shared any photos.

Guys That Call You Miss
If he likes you, you may have the honor of meeting Mama soon. Leaves you to wonder if she raised him to be uber polite or if he has some kind of weird teacher or waitress fetish. Makes you feel very old. The only thing that would be worse is if he called you Ma’am.

Grumpy Misanthrope
His profile whines, "Why am I even on here? Everyone on here sucks." He is a militant atheist and nihilist, who probably listens to death metal or The Cure and has a Nietzsche tattoo.

Unicorn Hunters
In an open marriage or swings with his partner, looking for the mythical third woman, on the side or for his ménage à trois. Argues a little bit too adamantly for his wife’s bisexuality, leaving you to wonder if she really is. You wonder how ok she is with the set-up, since it’s not a couples profile.

The Interviewer
Guys that don't know how to strike up a natural conversation so they write a question that's completely out of context like, "If you were going to die, what would be the one food that you'd want as your last meal?" or “What’s the most important thing you’ve done in your life so far?” which leads you to wonder if you’re being interviewed for Miss America or applying to college all over again.

Mr. Persistence
Guys that continually write new messages when you deleted their other ones or guys that follow up on your lack of reply with whining pleas to be considered.

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