Tuesday, August 16, 2016

Bisexuality in the Swinger Lifestyle

Bi-curious, bi-comfortable, bi-selective, heteroflexible, bi-tolerant, barsexual, pansexual, bi-furious, bi-sexual, soft swap (girl/girl only)...these are all labels that we’ve seen women in the Lifestyle use to describe their sexual preferences. Men in the scene tend to be more cagey with responses, ranging from “Hell no!” to “straight but not homophobic.” Rarely, but on occasion, you do see the “whatever happens in the moment” description for a man’s bi-sexuality.

Whatever your sexual orientation, bisexuality is a hot topic both in and out of the Lifestyle. Sexologist Alfred Kinsey theorized that sexual orientation was on a spectrum, with each person’s sexuality landing somewhere on his scale, which is now called the Kinsey Scale.


Not all labels describing sexual orientation are as specific as Kinsey’s designations. Below, Claire and I list some ones commonly used in Lifestyle dating profiles, along with our thoughts as to what each one means:

Bi-curious: She doesn’t have much experience, but is interested in exploring.
Bi-comfortable: Not something she seeks out, but she is ok with this.
Heteroflexible: She’s mostly straight but will have the rare same-sex attraction and may or may not act on it.
Bi-tolerant: She’s not really ok with this, but she’ll put up with it for show.
Pansexual: This has as sort of Dionysian Greek orgy ring to it. This person sounds educated, in tune with their identity, and open minded. Official definitions of pansexuality include attractions to male, female, transgender, intersex, or a-gendered/genderqueer identities.
Barsexal: “I’ll make out with women at the bar to get male attention, but don’t ask me to do more.” This does tend to be a Millenial stereotype. Young girls at bars putting on a “show” for guys and then reacting with disgust when approached by a woman who is interested in more.
Bi-furious: She’s probably on the swinger dating website, mostly looking for women. She’s passionately bi-sexual.
Soft-swap, girl-girl only: She ONLY wants to play with other women. Careful, if her husband wants to play with the other woman, that he makes it clear on their profile that they are not full-swap, as other males can get offended by what they may view as a bait and switch profile or tactic.
Bi-selective: We’re devoting a whole paragraph below to this one!

Male response to bisexual women in the Lifestyle may depend on their age demographic and how experienced they are in the LS and with non-traditional sex, in general. It ranges from the teen-boy, porn fantasy of two women playing together, to men who are very happy for their wives to experience this, to those who frankly get a little bored if the bisexual girl play takes too long or doesn’t involve them at all. At the other end of the spectrum, you have the man who really only wants two women if they are both into him, as opposed to being into each other. This would be like the classic “double blow-job fantasy” - not so much about the women enjoying each other, but mostly about having two women pleasuring him.

More on “Barsexual” Women: Genuinely bi-women also complain about women who are “faux bi” for the show, wishing they would just be honest about their lack of true interest. The faux bi woman may feel pressure to “put on a show” for her man, but her lack of enthusiasm is a turn-off for the other woman. This leaves the genuinely bi woman feeling a bit like a human sex toy. Few people enjoy having sex with someone who isn’t truly into them. The bi-act can come off as a bit staged, like really jaded strippers, yawning while flexing a glute. Audrey: It’s a huge turn-off to imagine the other woman has to “close her eyes and think of England” in order to get through a sexual experience with you.

When you identify as heterosexual, we assume that you are not attracted to every single member of your preferred gender, just because they have the right appendage or orifice. Bisexuality is the same! What’s weird is that many women feel that they have to specify that they are “bi-selective.” We suspect that they do this to make it clear that they will not play with any woman just for the show. Like heterosexual attraction, there has to be a mutual connection and desire either on a physical or mental level, or both.

There are many women in the Lifestyle who predominantly identify as heterosexual but do enjoy bisexual experiences. They might be classified as a 2 on the Kinsey spectrum. These women typically view sexual activity with other women as an “appetizer,” “side dish,” or “dessert,” but consider heterosexual sex to be the “main course.” 



Back to teen-boy, or inexperienced (in the LS) adult male fantasyland: the unicorn experience (FMF) ranks high. Claire has heard an experienced LS male tell newbies that the single male “is at the bottom of the LS hierarchy, while the attractive single female is at the top.” This can a bit alienating to women if they feel that the male’s reason for doing this is more about getting the envious reaction from other men, than about the connection between the three individuals. The FMF experience can also be awkward for both women if a husband insists his straight wife is actually bi-curious or bi-sexual when she clearly is not. This doesn’t mean he’s actively lying; he may be engaging in wishful thinking!

Experienced Lifestyle participants will often say that the generic unicorn experience is over-rated if the two women are not both bisexual, or even if they are bisexual, but don’t feel a particular connection to each other. This can be frustrating to the man, because he feels like he is stretched thin, trying to take care of two women at the same time; meanwhile one or both of the women basically feels the equivalent of “blue balls” if she is not getting enough attention from the male or other female. Feeling like a third wheel in FMF, leaves the odd-one out feeling like a sex prop in somebody else’s show -- not very validating, mentally or physically.

There are more men in the Lifestyle that are open to bi-sexual experiences than one would think based on online profiles. Men expressing interest in bi experiences is still largely taboo, prompting men who are open to it, to avoid explicitly stating this in their profiles.  As for male bisexuality in the Lifestyle, there is definitely a double-standard. In Lifestyle etiquette, a woman who touches another woman (in a non-aggressive manner) will generally be accepted or tolerated; a male who touches another woman has to be careful about gauging the receptivity of the woman and her male partner; meanwhile, a man who sexually comes on to another man, would have to be VERY careful about who he picked. The general assumption, in the LS, is that most men will not be ok with this. The initiator would probably have to be sure of the other man’s status or have gotten some very solid clues from his interaction with the other man, to not risk a negative reaction.

Claire has only witnessed public male bisexual play once at a club, and that was in Europe. In this incident, two couples starting playing in a typical soft-swap manner, then one of the men switched to oral sex with the other man. In this case, it was favorably received by both the receiving man and his female partner. This took place in Spain between a Swedish and Spanish couple. Audrey also has also only witnessed public male bisexual play one time. It was at a swinger hotel takeover in Las Vegas and one of the male participants was Norwegian, the other from San Francisco! We do note that our regular swinger home-base is the Southeast, which is a more socially conservative region of the US.

3 comments:

  1. Thank you so much for taking the time for you personally to share such a nice info. I definitely enjoying every little bit of it. It is a great website and nice share.
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  2. I like to use the term bi-situational because I love the feel of a woman, the kisses and touch are so different from a male, and it is fun to be with a woman, but I'm not bi all the time, and I feel the women have to hit it off. And I don't want to do it every time. :)

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    Replies
    1. Love the term "bi-situational." Will be using this one in the future. Thanks for sharing!

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